A Short Comment on The Vapid Nature of Modern Dating
I was talking to my friend a couple of months ago after another attempt at a relationship that went nowhere; in a moment of despair, I admitted to him that I felt unlovable.
To my detriment, I have isolated myself from others in the past. I often prefer to solve my problems myself. Over the last year, I have attempted to open up those inner layers, but there always remains an inner core that I let so very few into. I know that there are people who love me, many who like me and enjoy my company; yet, when I show people that inner shell, it feels as though they recoil. With the abyss staring back, they simply run away.
After your millionth attempt, at what point are you just unlovable? Likeable, fuckable, but just unloveable.
Before anyone jumps to any conclusions, I know this is very far from the truth. I am lovable because I am loved. But one can’t always have complete confidence in oneself; it wanes in those moments of rejection and reflection.
Modern dating is flawed. One doesn’t have to go very far to see that. It creates situations of toxic anxiety and fear. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, love-bombing, situationships - the list goes on and on. These absurd concepts require an encyclopaedia to understand, all encapsulating the entirely vapid and soul-destroying nature of dating.
Humans were never meant to have this many options. Because the options are plentiful and time in your 20s feels endless, people are swift to make a judgement. Yet, no one wants to be honest. There is a game of chicken with little clarity from either side on how they truly feel, for fear of being seen as “too much”. No polite rejection; rather, both sides get hurt and it drags on. Don’t get me wrong, getting hurt is a fact of life - it’s all a Sisyphean struggle to the top - but it’s nature in modern dating can feel soul destroying.
People ghost because the next person is right round the corner. Why would I invest in this one person when I can speak to the next person in five minutes?
Because they are at risk of getting ghosted, everyone has to hedge their bets; Few experiences are more humiliating than seeing the person you are on a date with receive a notification from a dating app. But that is just part of the game you play: like a Wall Street broker, always hedging. Viewing every person, every date, and every comment simply as a number to be tabulated against a risk profile - and the second the position turns red, you cut anchor and run.
There is also an immense social pressure to have your life fully formed, to know yourself, and to be the person you really want to be. To the detriment of being with a person, many who are young make their career their priority—sticking to the “hustle”. But as the classic film Before Sunrise said: “When you’re young, you believe there will be many people you’ll connect with. Later in life, you realise it only happens a few times.”
But in the end, it can all feel so pointless. You spend your time with a person learning, listening, and appreciating every detail: their life, their parents, their career, their goals, their laugh, their smile - all the little things. Yet the nagging call of options pulls them away.
Their reasons are plentiful, whether it’s work or school, or the lack of some mythical “spark” that is, frankly, bullshit. The reason is ultimately perfunctory; the result is the same, condemned to a grave of pointless conversations in the WhatsApp archive.
Yet, as with any person, they all matter. In life, you never truly move on. You are the sum of everyone you have ever known, and you will always carry them with you. Whether it is something random, like a preference in food, or the name of a sister, or a career - there will always be a part of them that sticks around.