Between loneliness and solitude

“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.” — Jean-Paul Sartre

I’ve always liked being alone, but I’m rarely lonely.

Silence and solitude to me are peaceful. I can happily go weeks without speaking to anyone.

In 2020, during the peak of the pandemic, I remained alone on my university campus. One of the largest campuses in the UK, spanning 600 acres with 12,000 students and 2,000 staff, it was always bustling.

Yet during the pandemic, I would roam the campus without seeing a single soul. Often, my room was the only one with the lights on.

Some would call this lonely, but I found true solitude in it.

It’s something I crave in London, where you are suffocated by the mass of people.

The same effect is why I think and write - both here and in my diary - so much in France.

It is solitude that clarifies my thoughts.

To be alone is to build who you are and who you will become.

But society lacks solitude. As Blaise Pascal said, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.” — Jean-Paul Sartre

Loneliness gets a bad rap; society views it as inherently negative.

But there is a difference between loneliness and solitude. Don’t get me wrong, I have at times felt alone, and that is truly painful.

But everyone has felt alone. Some feel it when they are by themselves, but others feel it in a crowd.

You can be surrounded by people, when you shouldn’t feel lonely, yet you still are—feeling as if you’re wearing a mask in a crowd.

I remember my first few months of university as a time I felt alone. The irony, of course, is that I was surrounded by people.

Yet when I lived with one of my closest friends in the middle of nowhere, I never once felt alone.

This is because loneliness is the longing for connection. It is a feeling, not a state of being.

The quote from the philosopher Kierkegaard’s diary best encapsulates it.

I have just now come from a party where I was its life and soul; witticisms streamed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me, but I went away — yes, the dash should be as long as the radius of the earth’s orbit ——————————— and wanted to shoot myself.

In the 21st century, the common assertion is that loneliness results from social media, capitalism, and the lack of third spaces.

But loneliness has existed as long as humans have. It is simply part of being human that you will feel alone.

In the view of existentialist philosophy, loneliness arises from the internal conflict of understanding that we are truly alone—as no one can fully grasp the depths of your feelings—while still yearning to connect.

There are fleeting moments in one’s life when someone can truly connect, but there will always be a distance between your experience and that of others.

The realisation is that from birth to death, we are trapped alone in the privacy of our minds.

The solution, in some way, to this existential angst is through friendship. Friendship—more precisely, meaningful friendship—is the pathway to connection.

Aristotle, in Nicomachean Ethics, described “philia”—usually translated as love, but meaning friendship—as the antidote to loneliness.

The key is to attend to others’ needs in a relationship of respect. As Seneca said, “Nor can anyone live happily who only cares for his own advantage… This fellowship, maintained with special care and respect, unites humanity as a whole.”

Interestingly, Aristotle considered friendship more important than love. In his view, love was intense and fleeting, primarily motivated by self-interest and superficiality, whereas friendship was a lasting bond built on shared values.

I would argue that love is friendship—it is impossible to fall in love without being best friends. Without Aristotle’s concept of friendship, such as shared values, virtues, or interests, love would merely be fleeting passion.

This reflects a deeper flaw in modern society. Many pursue relationships to counter loneliness. Which will have disastrous consequences if you are not comfortable with who you are.

This is a trend especially stark among men, who often rely solely on partners for emotional support, fostering imbalance and, ultimately, toxic dynamics. Close friends, with whom they could openly share their struggles, would serve them far better.

The quality of friendships carry profound weight. A 2019 study revealed that individuals with friendships meeting their emotional needs experienced far less loneliness than those with numerous but less fulfilling connections.

We can all attest to this. While numerous fleeting acquaintances often fail to meet our emotional needs, one or two dependable close friends prove far more fulfilling.

If I may have a personal moment here, I am certainly lucky to have several very close friends I can rely on. Many I have known since secondary school—a rarity, as a 2009 study found that only 5% of friendships persist after school (though I am slightly dubious of that figure)—and without them, I would certainly be a different (and worse) person.

But at the end of the day, loneliness is part of the human condition.

There will be moments in your life when you feel lonely, whether truly alone or in company, and how you handle that sets the trajectory of your life.

I also think more people should see the value of solitude—true, contemplative solitude.

Solitude is an essential part of being human and without it, you don’t know who you are.

For Camus and other existentialists, life is absurd and meaningless, hence lonely, yet this means that loneliness isn’t a prison to suffer, but rather a place to create meaning.

It is the place to truly ask yourself, “What do I want to do?”