Obsession; reflections on my personality

I am nothing in my soul if not obsessive — Donna Tartt

The point of all this writing has been, in a small way, to come to terms with myself.

For six months I have felt as though I have been lying to myself. And that isn’t a good way to live life. As with many on their first encounter with Dostoevsky, he left me slightly speechless on the topic:

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”

— Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

I’ve been told I am obsessive. A comment I have always brushed off. Yet recently I have come to terms with the fact that I live life with obsession. I am what the kids would call ‘chalant’ about life (a back-formation of nonchalant).

Whether that is politics, basketball, coffee, information, or even in love. I care deeply and intensely; I don’t have a casual bone in my body.

I remember reading a quote from John Waters, the director, “Without Obsession, Life Is Nothing”. To me, that epitomises my attitude to life; if I find myself doing something and I am not obsessed, I don’t see the point in it.

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I’ve been known to eat the same meal over and over again.

In my first year of university, I had roast potatoes every night for about 2 months; in my second year, I had chilli for about 4 months.

In my first year in London, I had curry every night for about 5 months, and recently, I have been having a burrito every night since about February.

Commitment, patience, and loyalty, as you can tell, are not my weaknesses.

As mentioned, I have a soft spot for many niche nerdy hobbies. The result of which is I spend many hours a day researching those topics.

To the amusement of a friend, I do indeed frequently watch Fountain Pen YouTube channels—I have even considered making my own, as the quality is often lacking.

When I decide to pick up a hobby or an interest, there is no half commitment; I do not do something casually. Take, for instance, my recently mentioned fantasy basketball; from the moment I committed to joining, I became obsessed.

I quickly found myself at 3am watching college basketball tapes of prospective rookies. As a result I came prepared far beyond any of my peers. And even now I still spend many hours a day obsessively researching, listening to podcasts, and YouTube videos on the topic. All just in case it gives me an edge.

When I started baking sourdough, I quickly found myself reading 20-year-old forum posts on how ascorbic acid in sourdough affects the strength of gluten.

In my interest in politics, I spend far too much time reading the takes of obscure online personalities on how the zoning system in Japan is far superior to that of the British planning system.

And of course, in my recent interest in writing, I find that I spend a shocking amount of time either thinking about it or doing it.

The recommendation for most is that when starting a Substack, you post only weekly, or at most, 2-3 times a week—yet for me, that is far too little. Life is all or nothing. Hence, the arbitrary challenge of a post a day.

The challenge has been supremely useful as I have felt for months as though I was suffocating in my emotions; I needed an outlet, but consequently, I have written, including this article, 30,023 words in 25 days.

My obsessive tendancies also extend to a voracious appetite for information. If in a conversation and a piece of information is unknown, my mind will itch to look it up.

This is because, to my mind at least, we live in the internet age where anything is searchable with a couple of clicks, and to not do so is a tragedy.

The result of which is I will spend a lot of time researching random topics; this extends from things like the capital of Laos (Vientiane) to where the tallest flagpole in the world is (New Cairo, 201m).

As one friend remarked recently, he was confused when doing a flag quiz on why I knew so many. The answer, of course, is just because I want to. I, with a high confidence interval, can identify about 180 out of the 195 flags (some of the islands and West African countries are hard to remember).

I can identify every US state on an unlabelled map, and I am patiently awaiting the day one of those on-the-street presenters asks me to point out some obscure country like the Sahrawi Republic or Palau.

For me, obsession is the only way to live.

Now, maybe this way of living with obsession is rather unhealthy—some would likely diagnose me with Autism or ADHD (although I can turn it off)—but it's led to a rather enjoyable life and it’s worked for me so far!